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The death of a child never makes sense. When a child dies, it shakes an entire family, their community, their faith group, and the child’s friends. Even the funeral directors and healthcare workers who regularly see death are painfully aware of the sadness, disbelief, and despair surrounding a child’s death.
When it comes to a child’s funeral, it is important to acknowledge the heaviness of the death of a child while also creating space to celebrate each child in a unique, powerful, and beautiful way.
Building Trust with a Family
Those in the deathcare industry, including funeral home staff and clergy, need to build trust with the parents, siblings, and sometimes the extended family of a deceased child. Parents want to feel that their child is in safe hands, as they believe they are handing over a piece of their heart to someone they met at the worst moment of their lives. They blindly trust their child will be handled with love, care, softness, and compassion. Siblings will wonder about what will happen to their brother or sister.
Although parents know intellectually what is happening, they may still worry that their child feels lonely, cold, or scared. By providing both care and clarity, families can trust their beloved son, daughter, brother, or sister, are safe, warm, and loved by the funeral director and their team.
Building trust starts with validating the unnatural order of a child dying before their parents and other older members of their family, speaking of the child by name, using the past tense only if the parents do, actively listening, and asking questions about the child.
By speaking with the family, and giving them space to share their grief, concerns and beliefs, funeral directors and clergy are able to give the child a special funeral.
Funerals Can Tell a Story
While not always the case, funerals for adults often follow a similar format. There are flowers, a condolence book, readings, and hymns. Mourners are dressed in gray or black suits and dresses. The traditions of solemnity and dark colors are there for a reason, but they do not need to be present at a child’s funeral.
When the funeral team is building trust with a family, they are listening to who the child was. They are privileged to hear stories about what they loved, their pets, the sports they played, which superhero or team was their favorite, what shows they watched on repeat, and what colors they loved. Families feel heard when asked to see photos and watch videos on their phones.
Listen to themes. A child’s funeral can be bright, colorful, and full of personality. The casket may be purple and glittery. The mourners may be asked to all wear colors of the child’s favorite team. Their uniform, fishing pole, cleats, and favorite stuffed animals may be the decorations instead of flowers. The program can be full of photos, bright pink, and have the child’s artwork on it.
Give the family permission to imagine what their child would want, to truly reflect their personality, and assure them that this funeral is another way of showing their child they are loved while letting the world see who their child was.
A True Celebration
People often refer to a funeral as a “celebration of life,” and a child’s funeral can allow that phrase to be visible. Imagine walking into a service and seeing dozens of people wearing the same MLB jerseys and colors, a child’s soccer team wearing their uniforms, or an altar covered in “American Girl” dolls next to a picture of a child cuddling her beloved dog.
Celebrate a child by telling their story. Let their funeral reflect who they were. By doing that, funeral homes and clergy demonstrate to a family that they see them. They hear them. They are not alone. Their child’s memory is bright and will not fade.