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Parents and funeral home directors often face the same struggle as they wonder if children should attend the funerals of their loved ones. There is no wrong answer, because every family’s grief, situation, and children are different. What is important, regardless, is informing children with clarity and support, and meeting each family and child where they are at the moment.
Common Concerns in Children Attending Funerals
The most common concern people have in children being present at a funeral is the worry that they may be traumatized. Adults want to protect kids in every way, and that includes what they will see and experience at funerals. Children, however, can be prepared by their parents and other trusted adults. When adults tell children someone they loved died, it is crucial to be honest and use clear language. Those same points are necessary when preparing a child to attend a funeral.
Adults can explain who will be present, who may speak, whether there will be music, what the room set up may be like (from the flowers to the rows of chairs), and discuss whether or not the deceased’s body will be in the room. Should the casket be present, it is important to be clear about whether the casket will be open or not, and if it is open, prepare the kids for how the person will look. Adults can also share that many people will be crying and then may laugh at stories that are told. Remind children it is OK to cry and be sad, as well as be confused, happy, and uncertain.
This advice is helpful for funeral directors, too. Listen to what children share. Answer their questions. Be calm and open. It is possible they will be silent and ask a question later, or they may come directly to the funeral director to share their thoughts. Kids want to protect their sad family members, too, and they often hold their questions, ask other children they know what they have observed at funerals, or ask the kind people at the funeral home.
Second to concerns about traumatizing children, funeral home employees and family members alike may worry about children being able to behave. Prepping children ahead of time about what they will witness can help. Kids who are worried, afraid, and feel as though they cannot ask questions may appear to be acting out when, more often than not, they are trying to make sense of what is happening and processing how they feel. It is helpful to have activities for them to do in their seat, which can support their specific needs. Funeral directors can provide coloring sheets or paper with journal prompts that give them space to draw or write about their loved one.
The Beauty in a Family Grieving Together
Funerals and memorial services are a celebration of life. Everyone present is there to express their love, and support other people who loved the person who died. Very few people are present when someone they love dies, and services give the bereaved time to say “goodbye” and be present with other mourners. Kids are mourning, too. The funeral helps children understand the finality of death. They see other people crying, hear stories, and learn how to grieve. It can be their moment to say “goodbye,” too.
After learning what a funeral looks like, it is always possible a child will request not to go. Adults should give them the autonomy to choose. Informing them and telling them their choice will not be judged shows love. More often than not, however, they want to go and are curious. When they are prohibited from going, their imaginations run wild about what goes on and why they are not part of the monumental moment in a person’s life. They want to be with their family.
Children Can Help Others Who Are Grieving
Children can remind others at the funeral of joy while learning how to grieve and how to celebrate someone’s life. There is beauty and love in a room full of family, extended family, neighbors, friends, and co-workers sharing how the deceased was a part of their lives. Generations of people, from infants to the elderly, gather together to say how much one person mattered, and how much that one person was loved.
Funeral directors who can give children the space to grieve, allow them to ask questions, and help them channel their feelings in the right way will help better serve all those grieving.